ive been reading Veronika Decides To Die.
haha, morbid sounding? but i find beauty in the prose.
and it made me think, about myself.
how many times i suppress emotions,
intense feeling of hatred, love, loneliness, uncertainty, irritation.
or anything else.
kept away all in name of moderation.
to be considerate, to all around me.
such that what is ultimately left, is Vitriol. Bitterness, that dulls all feeling.
that reduces me to half-living.
a subconscious state of existence where i move along automated, without really putting much thought into things. without really being able to feel, to respond fully and intensely to things.
all because i am SUPPOSED to keep all these in check.
how society made unrestricted self expression, imbalanced and violent, a stigma.
taboo are rants and raves; everyone is supposed to keep themselves in check.
this is the presentation of someone who has "matured", who has risen beyond all to master emotions with logic.
and so everyone conforms, because it has become the norm.
the adults classified it as teenage angst, what really is an awakening of self discovery.
where, along the road to growing up we start to self inspect, and the inability to understand what made us feel how we feel is expressed in its rawest, yet truest form- letting it out unrestrained.
we all need something as an outlet, because once it is evoked, we never quite step out of it.
i dont believe that its a phase we move out of, but that people as they grew older, saw this is vulnerability exposed to attacks by others.
and so they learn to hide it well, beneath murky facades as they make their escape.
and this came to be termed as having control in their life.
and with this perceived control,
their outlets develop in other guises.
which is why people have retail therapy, comfort food, favourite haunts.
something they can turn to, can retreat into, when they are faced with these emotions from problems.
that under the name-calling, expression that takes a different form becomes acceptable.
because it does not point out that it is actually an outpouring due to problems or worries.
it have a feel-good effect, which is transient, and leaves people craving for more due to greater emptiness inside.
their problems are not solved, merely distracted away, and subsequently stored in the peripheries of their minds.
until they surface again, a larger menace than before.

we have to learn how to express these emotions, because yes people are emotional creatures.
some find it through writing, some through music and speech or communication, others through tangible objects.
whatever it is, we have to find a mode of letting it out, and understanding that it is perfectly alright to still feel this way no matter our age.
but we cannot restrain ourselves, to forcibly stop it before we've released all of it.
because that leaves the roots intact, that it will come back again.
let it all out, the intense hurt, pain, bitterness, until they've all escaped from the prison in the heart.
and after that to tell ourselves, yes we've felt the entire magnitude of this emotion, now it is time to move on.
only then will we find true healing, without being haunted constantly within that it is still unresolved.

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gosh, such sudden retrospection is not usual for me.
but that's ok, ive said my piece in full. :)